Chainsaw Your Boss

It's 5 PM on a Friday and you're so, *so* tired. Unfortunately, you still have a *lot* of work to do by Monday, so it looks like you're going to spend the weekend working for free, off the records, just for fun.

Or...

*(You reach in your backpack and take out a chainsaw)*

You could chainsaw your boss.

-----

They've begun running when they heard you revving up the immensely loud engine. You try to assure them you're only going to lightly decrease their breathing abilities and blood budget for the next quarter. They kick and scream but you're stronger, and push them to the ground.

They try to tell you they have children, but so do you, and who gives a fuck?

(Roll a D6, if you roll 4 or higher keep reading, otherwise the game ends in your death: your boss overpowers you and bangs their 80s phone on your head, killing you instantly with the power of blunt force trauma.)

You cut off their legs. Blood splatters everywhere. It tastes like strawberry jam.

They begin to crawl, screaming, like some kind of fucked up nugget of a man. You stop their crawling by pushing your weight onto their back with your foot.

"Where the hell do you think you're going? I'm not done discussing my proposals regarding how we could improve team morale in the workplace."

You rev up the chainsaw engine again.

"For example we could start by killing our boss and replacing them with someone competent."

They scream. You scream. The cops downstairs scream. You cut up your boss in 46 pieces.

The cops arrive at your floor.

"I fucking love piggies."

(Roll a D6, if you roll 4 or higher keep reading, otherwise the game ends in your death: the cops empty several cartridges into you, making you look like some kind of fucked french cheese. The ones with holes.)

You laugh and run toward them, taking their bullets with pure American grit.

You take the youngest one, some sweet young girl with blonde hair. You run the chainsaw through her stomach. Blood splatters everywhere. It tastes like raspberry jam.

You turn dramatically to face their colleagues, who are giving you various stares of horror.

"Aww, never seen someone kill and dismember their boss?"

You walk menacingly toward them. They keep shooting you, but your pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstrap energy propels you forward with gusto.

"Where there's a will, there's a way."

(Roll a D6, if you roll 4 or higher keep reading, otherwise the game ends in your death: you get tasered and kicked until you're a bloody mess. Then shot. Then drugs are planted on your body and you're framed in the media as a black sheep with an addiction issue.)

You cut off another cop's head with a swift slash. It erupts into a fountain of blood. It tastes like cherry jam.

"You're the last one, it looks like."

The third and last cop abandons their weapon and starts running. You run after them. You take a left turn, because you actually know the floor planimetry.

You put on your best conference-call voice, as you appear in front of the last cop left.

"Hello! Yes... yes... it's so good to see you. I was wondering, do you really need your intestines?"

(Roll a D6, if you roll 4 or higher keep reading, otherwise the game ends in your death: You get a single bullet in the middle of your eyes. You wake up tired on your desk. It's 6 PM.)

You run a hand through their body, taking out something that should really stay inside a healthy human being. The blood-drenched, moist thing is still attached with tubes of viscera to the rest of the body. The cop starts screaming, kicking into shock.

"I'm going to request you to mute yourself."

You punch them in the head, strong enough to make it explode.

"Thank you, much better."

You start eating their kidney.

It's been a long day. Time to go home for the weekend.